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International News
Japan to Get Patriot Missles
In an attempt to protect the Japanese from a possible North Korean Missle attack, the US is sending Patriot missle batteries to be placed on Japanese soil. The missles are designed to intercept ballistic missles, planes, or kamakaze ducks with an attitude before they can reach their targets. They first made history when they were seen intercepting SCUDs fired at Israel during the Gulf War. Since then they have been improved, made into a leaner, meaner, missle eating machine.
The Japanese Ministry of Defense was thrilled with the acquisition of the Patriot missles and stated emphatically in a press release, “Oh, so big. We should make them smaller. North Korea will know we mean business now, and not the kind of business taken care of at a saki or sushi bar.”
President Bush concurred. “We can’t be letting those Korean guys strut around like a bunch of banshee chickens, no, we have to let them know we won’t consolidate such behavior. We’ll smack ‘em real good with our Patriots and don’t worry Japan, I’m not going to let Dick Cheney do the launching.”
North Korea insists they have a right to launch the test missle and have even taken the position of perceiving any attempts to shoot their test missle down as an act of aggression. “Patriots, smatriots! We’re not afraid of a few little missles, not when we have this big honking one here.”
The drama continues as the time nears for the launch leaving many questions unanswered;
Will North Korea back down?
Will the US attack if North Korea launches?
Will Japan develop a smaller Patriot?
Will Steve find out Betty’s baby really isn’t his but belongs to a travelling Hungarian poodle salesman from Greece?
The suspense is getting thick…
National News
Teen Pregnancy Declines
Officials are cheering the latest report by the Annie E. Casey Foundation which has found fewer teens are getting pregnant. High fives were rampant upon the Hill as Congress and the Senate took immediate credit for this dramatic decrease.
Researcher Dawn Brak was quick to report the reasons behind the decrease were as bad as the problem of teenage pregnancy. “Kids are poorer and there is more malnutrition among our teenagers so in essence they are too hungry and to poor to have sex.”
“Exactly! trumpeted Utah Senator Bob Maloney, “It proves our social programs are working. We have successfully reduced the amount of hormone production in our youth so they don’t have the energy or the desire to make whoopee out in the school parking lot. Oh sure they are hungry and maybe on the brink of starvation, but look at it this way, they aren’t obese so we have successfully addressed that issue as well. It is a win, win, win, win situation.”
Brak argues it isn’t a win, win, win, win situation and would be shakey at best to consider it a win, win, win situation although in reality it is more like a win, lose, lose situation. Or possibly even a lose, win, lose, lose situation. Anyway, when your teens are too hungry and too malnourished to be engaging in premarital sex, then we think there is a problem afoot that should be addressed.”
Immediately after that remark a fist fight broke out among the researchers and elected officials which this rag considers a win, win, win, win, and yes, win situation.
State News
Kinky Gets on the Ballot
Musician, columnist, novelist, and weed tokin’ gubenatorial candidate Kinky Freedman is officially on the ballot after getting enough signatures to rate a spot in the upcoming election. Kinky fans are already printing signs to be placed in yards, bumper stickers, and one innovative entrepreneur has even come out with Kinky rolling papers that states, “When you want a mellow ride, roll with Kinky.”
Governor Rick Perry has stated there is no fear from Kinky running as Texas is an uptight state. “There is no way Texans are going to vote for some brain fried musician whose band is called the Texas Jewboys. They won’t stand for it as we are a conservative state and hold our heros and elected officials to a higher standard.”
Willie Nelson, unofficial hero of Texas, has countered Governor Perry’s statements with his endorsement of Kinky. “I’ve rolled with Kinky for years. Rolled some fat ones, skinny ones, dusted ones, and one night when we were really stoned, we even rolled some with ten dollar bills. If you want to party Texas, vote Kinky.”
Non-Profit Corner
Order of Unitarian Children Huggers to Host Great Hug-Off
The local Order of Unitarian Children Huggers has announced this weekend will be full of Unitarian Children Huggers walking through grocery stores and malls, randomly grabbing children and giving them a big hug to let them know the Unitarians love them. This will be the second year for the Great Hug Off and the OUCH chairperson, Gladys Pernsipal, is hoping the public will be more receptive this year.
“Last year some folks just didn’t grasp the concept of the children hugging. We had several of our members hit with purses and I was hit a couple of times with pepper spray and once with a Taser by some totally mental behometh who was convinced I was trying to harm her child. We are not trying to harm your children, we just want to hug them and let them know they are being loved by a Unitarian.”
Anti-Hug protestor, Molly Tucker, doesn’t see the need for Unitarians to be grabbing children at random, hugging them, and telling them that they are being loved by a Unitarian. “Last year they almost frightened my little Billy to death. Why some mad woman grabbed and squeezed him so tight I thought his eyes were going to pop out. Why it took three sprays to get that cow to let go of my poor little Billy and even then I had to zap her one with my trusty Taser.”
For more information about the Great Hug Off you can contact your local OUCH chapter and they will provide you with information of possible hugging stations if you would like to join in on the fun. For parents who are a little freaked out about this, Joe’s Better Weapons Barn is offering a 20% discount on all cans of pepper spray and reloads for Tasers.
Editorial
Please Release Me, Let Me Go
Last Saturday I was pulled over by one of Abilene’s finest for doing 41 in a 30. He was pleasant and polite, taking my liscence and asking for insurance proof, he quietly informed me of my infraction. I didn’t get a ticket and he did such a good job of informing and correcting me, I had to smile at the thought of all the excuses I was thinking of to give this guy when he pulled me over. I could have gone with the standards;
“I have to go to the bathroom really bad. Follow me!”
“My wife is having a baby! I need to get to the hospital now!”
Or something more conventional such as;
“There is a sale on asparagus at United and they only have one flat of them… if we move quickly we can get our fair share!”
“They’re premiering a new donut at Jack and Jill’s and I wanted to be there to see you guys enjoy yourselves!”
“What? 41? My speedometer only showed 21… are you sure you read that speed thinga-ma-whopper correctly?”
“I’ll show you my liscense and insurance if you’ll show me yours…”
“I told my friends you were a maverick and wouldn’t give someone like me a ticket, just on principle’s sake, and so I had to get you to pull me over. I was starting to sweat it because I wasn’t sure I was going fast enough to get your attention.”
My point is I told the man the truth. I was late to an interview but there really wasn’t any emergency. I was in violation of the law and wouldn’t deny it. I am not sure honesty is why he didn’t give a ticket but I am sure he appreciated not hearing a smart remark from the guilty.
Perhaps we should all try a little honesty with our law officers and then perhaps our experiences with them will be better. Or not… I’ll will have to contemplate that tonight while I’m out toilet papering the neighbor’s trees…
Movie Review
Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang
Can you say, Miss Miss, Lame, Lame? The potential for the movie was tremendous but I fear Robert Downy Jr. was still trying to get the drugs out of his system when he made this flick as his acting was horrible. Val Kilmer was great, as always, and the actress in the lead role was good too. However, the storyline sagged and waned, the dialogue was cute at times but mostly sucked, and ending is too weak for such a promising storyline. I give this movie 1 1/2 quills for some sort of intelligence being portrayed through an absolutely horrid film.
Disclaimer: Some of the facts in the Tuesday Tidbits are true… most aren’t… so quote at your own risk.
