Tuesday Tidbits – dedicated to the discovery of dirt….or truth, you be the judge.
International News
Saddam is Tossed Again!
Saddam Hussein was ejected from his genocide trial for the second consecutive day following heated arguments with the chief judge Tuesday. Saddam’s former defense minister, Sultan Hashim Ahmad al-Tai, was ejected for shouting at judge Mohammed Oreibi al-Khalifa for throwing out the deposed leader.
The outburst began when Saddam refused to remain silent after repeated requests by al-Khalifa, the head of the five-member judges’ panel. Saddam, clutching his Muslim holy book — the Quran — tried to make a statement, interrupting the prosecution’s questioning of a witness.
“You are a defendant and I’m the judge,” al-Khalifa said, telling Saddam to sit down. “I am the boss here and you must sit down and shut up!” Saddam refused and replied, “You’re not the boss of me! You’re not the boss of me!”
Saddam’s six co-defendants then began to shout. “You’re not the boss of me either!”
“Shut up, no one may speak!” al-Khalifa shouted, pointing his finger at the defendant. “That is when the court decided to eject Saddam Hussein from the courtroom,” al-Khalifa added.
Saddam left with a smile. “Good, I was afraid I was about to miss Judge Judy. Now there is a real judge!” The other defendants stood up in protest and demanded they leave too as they didn’t want to miss out on Judge Judy, but the judge refused.
Al-Tai, a defense minister under Saddam and one of six co-defendants in the trial, was the most vocal, shouting insults at al-Khalifa. “I’m not sitting down!” shouted al-Tai, pointing his finger at the judge. “I served in the army for 44 years and no one dared to shout at me. We are polite and well behaved. We did our killing without a lot of noise. We dropped a few canisters of gas on a few thousand Kurds and we did it without a lot of fanfare and hooplah. We deserve respect for being so quiet and so well behaved during our killings.”
The trial will continue today.
National News
Liquids are Cleared to Fly
Having a change of heart, Homeland Security has decided to allow certain liquids to be carried by passengers. “It is all about being practical and using a little common sense when it comes to the safety of passengers on planes,” Director of Liquid Management, Bob Hastings said. “We decided we may have gone a little overboard when we stopped allowing nursing mothers on planes with their mother’s milk. We actually did some testing to make sure you couldn’t inject Cimtex into a woman’s… uh… well you know. We decided the possibility of such a thing was infeasible… somewhere around the tenth time we got slapped silly.”
Passengers will be able to carry lotions and gels onto airliners again after a six-week ban — but only in tiny containers of 3 ounces or less and only if they’re in clear zip-top plastic bags. Starting today, air travelers also will be able to buy drinks or other liquids or gels at shops inside airport security checkpoints and carry them on board under partially relaxed anti-terror rules.
State News
Local Man’s Death is Being Considered a Homicide
A local man’s death has been moved up to a possible homicide. Joe Bob Gowdy, who was found on a deserted airport road with multiple gunshot wounds to the back, is now being semi-considered as a homicide victim. Local Police Chief Billy Roy Gunter defended the move.
“Well we find there are some pretty interesting evidence that would point to this being a killing instead of a suicide. For instance, there is no gun found at the scene. Lots of casings, but no gun. And how about all those suspicious looking tire tracks we found in the muddy field here? See they are going away from the body through that field and end up at Mr. Gowdy’s ex-wife’s place. Now it would take a big ol’ 4 wheel drive truck to make it through that mud and we don’t see any suspicious vehicles like that around. Yeah it is possible he shot himself in the back and then ate the gun, but we won’t know if that is the case until we get the autopsy back. Until then, we are gonna treat this one like it was a homicide.”
We talked with the ex Mrs. Gowdy who was washing her Toyota 4 Runner trying to get all of the mud out from underneath the flaps. When asked about the her ex’s death, Ms. Gowdy stated that it sure looked like suicide to her because, “Oh Joe Bob said when he couldn’t take it any more he would take a 9mm and shoot himself in the back. 14 times… just to make sure it took. I guess he wasn’t kidding. Now if you don’t mind, I need to finish washing this 4 Runner. Mind handing me a fresh rag? They are in the front seat under my Smith and Wesson 809.”
The police are looking for possible suspects and ask if anyone who might have been in the area of the airport last night to call if they say any suspicious activity.
Editorial
The Fine Art of Road Construction/Repair
One of the great privileges of being an adult is the joy of paying taxes. The constant gifting of our hard earned money to the government allows them to take care of us in the forms of police and fire protection, military services, public health services, and one of my favorites, keeping our roads in pristine shape… whenever they feel such a condition is warranted.
Road Construction/Repair is more of a metamorphosis than a process as every road appears to go through the pollination, fertilization, a laying of eggs, a pupae stage, until the final unveiling of the mature road, ready for us to use and abuse again. Allow me to walk you through these stages of life.
Pollination begins when a certain politician’s family member loses a small foreign vehicle in a crater that has been strategically placed in the passing lane of a main thoroughfare. Constant griping and nagging from the family member piques the interest of the politician prompting them to head into the fertilization stage.
Fertilization occurs when the politician, staying within their species, seeks another insect with the same genes and injects them with the seed of life, money. The female insect, commonly called a contractor, takes the gift given to it by the politician, a rather insanely generous portion, I might add, and mixing it with its genes starts the process of laying an egg.
Laying an egg is not an easy proposition as it requires excavation of the current road to lay the egg in as there are plenty of predators who would love to steal the egg and devour it. These predators are commonly called union laborers and have to be distracted by the insects until they can get the road into an acceptable state of disarray, totally camouflaging the process of road construction. During this stage of growth we have to allow nature to take its course during the slow process of pupae development.
The developing pupae require absolute quiet so the insects go through great pains to make sure the road stays completely free of traffic by placing up signs that say such warnings as; detour, people at work, slow, speed limits greatly reduced, and the ever popular, fines will be doubled during working hours. Traffic slows to a crawl as the pupae slowly produces wings in the form of base being laid, asphalt being placed, and then the packing by slow behemoths who insist on traversing the full length of the pupae at an agonizing speed of 5 mph.
The glorious day of the new road emerging to spread its wings is greeted with the removal of signs and cars once again driving at reasonable pace. The regeneration of life has been completed and proud parents, politician and contractor both, proudly point to their offspring while examining the landscape for another chance to pollinate.
Enjoy that road construction that has you crawling at a pace that would make a turtle laugh because friend, you are watching the miracle of life.
Non-Profit News
Local Volunteers Revitalize City Park
A group of volunteers gathered at Byron Gilgood Park to bring back the natural condition of the park through a project called “Bring Back Byron.” Lead organizer, Betty Bilbrey, was quick to exclaim that the project was a complete success.
“Byron Gilgood was this town’s first official drunk who would spend most evenings in the vacant lot that is not Byron Gilgood Park. The city came in and scraped off the top of the vacant lot and put in meditation circles, walking paths, and all kinds of sensory gardens to promote a sense of serenity within its borders. A few of the citizens of this town who knew Byron Gilgood well, were concerned the town had lost sight of what Byron was all about so we worked all day Saturday and through most of Sunday morning to bring the park back to a state of Byronesque beauty.”
Walking us around the park, Ms. Bilbrey pointing out the newly constructed fountain made of empty beer bottles with a few gin bottles mixed in for color. A row of folks so totally plastered lay scattered in multiple positions among the sensory gardens and the smell of regurgitation had tastefully masked the scent of desert sage and lilacs. It is clear these volunteers have accomplished their goal and brought the Byron Gilgood Park back to a state that only Byron could appreciate.
The town officials aren’t taking to the project lightly as they have removed the bottle fountain and stated such fountains would not be allowed in the park under any circumstances. “This is obviously a form of artistic oppression,” Ms. Bilbrey vehemently stated. “We won’t be kept from honoring Byron’s memory by a few stodgy ol’ soreheads. We’ll keep building bottle fountains until they allow it stay.”
Ms. Bilbrey said anyone who would like to participate in the renovation of Byron Gilgood Park can meet Ms. Bilbrey and other volunteers at the park around sunset on Saturday and plan to work through early Sunday morning. All volunteers are reminded to bring their own sculpting materials for the bottle fountain.
Movie Review
I had the pleasure of watching Lucky Number Slevin and for a Bruce Willis flick, it was quite good. Witty and snappy banter make the film fun and while there is a multitude of violent scenes, you hardly notice as the twists and subplots are skillfully carried out by Morgan Freeman, Sir Ben Kingsley, and Lucy Liu. I would warn you this is not a movie for children as there is language involved.
