“So what did you think of my performance?” My brain went into hyper-mode taking all available possible scenarios, processing them in multiple best/worst case scenarios and then aligned them next to all possible “tell the truth” scenarios with a final result coming to the frontal lobe bearing a 35.4% probability of a median to good result (which generally means I won’t be a) slapped or b) left standing with a hysterically crying wannabe artist).
“I can honestly say that was the most unique rendition of “Tomorrow” I have ever heard. The added lyrical runs up and down the G# chromatic scale was an added joy since the song was performed in C. I’m not sure just anybody could pull that off.” I wait nervously for their response hoping beyond hope they do not understand music (which seems obvious after witnessing their performance) or realize that my eye twitching is not normal. I am lucky as they smile and begin to tell me how long they had practiced on this particular number. A quick reminder that practice makes perfect is given by me with an even more impassioned encouragement for them not to stop practicing (ten or twelve hours a day wouldn’t be enough) because every true maestro knows your craft is never truly perfected. They nod half-heartedly as they are seeking out their next victim who must also lie to avoid hurting their feelings.
Why is it we ask questions that put folks on the spot? Is it because we know most folks won’t tell the truth and will tell a frantic lie in order to not offend us but instead, add credence to our already cleverly constructed illusions? I’m thinking, “yeah, exactly.” It must be that or we wouldn’t be asking or be asked the following questions;
- “Is that not the best rendition of (fill in the name of the song here) that you’ve ever heard?” Uh no… it isn’t. There is a reason those folks are making buckets load of money to sing that song and you aren’t…
- “Am I good or what?” I’m thinking “or what” would be the appropriate response since what you just performed for us would be considered basic skills by most people.
- “Why can’t I get a date? Is it because my talents scare them off?” Why yes, that must be it! It is what I call the train wreck syndrome… when the train is off the tracks and disaster is lying everywhere, no one notices what color the grass is and if you are going to insist on wearing clothes from the 70’s and washing your hair once a week, maybe you should start thinking about the train wreck syndrome a little harder.
- “Does this make me look fat?” Hey, I’m overweight myself and even I know that anything I wear is going to make me look fat. They don’t make skinny fat clothes in the real world… although with a couple of hits of Acid you just might find such attire is available if you can find it before the world melts away.
- “Do you think I come on a little strong?” Absolutely not! Your cologne/perfume drives everyone away at least five minutes before you arrive so how can you even begin to think you come on too strong?
- “Do you like it? It’s my own special recipe!” I do like it! Oh I know my face is scrunched up like I just ate a green persimmon and that whole projectile vomiting bit was just to demonstrate my prowess of hurling on command. Listen, who says enchiladas can’t be purple and the fact you went out on a limb and added alum to the sauce just screams that you are one live-on-the-edge-adventuresome cat! BTW, where is your cat?
I think you get the idea. We can never say what we want to say because somewhere in our history our sweet mother pounded into our brain to be kind and considerate and then strapped us forever with the admonition of “if you can’t say anything good then don’t say anything at all.” Oh, BTW, that doesn’t work either because the one time I chose to follow such advice after my mother prompted me with, “Mrs. Smith worked hard on this casserole. What do you have to say Frustrated?” and I responded with, “Well I think I shouldn’t say anything at all about this casserole” I found my butt getting a little warmer with a switch from Mrs. Smith elm tree. Yikes, talk about confusing a kid!
Maybe we should say what we think and stop the frantic lying. After all, honesty is the best policy… right? What do you think? (I know, I know, I came at you with one of those loaded questions. I’ll leave it up to you whether you want to respond with a frantic lie or just toss the ol’ truth right out there.)
