Who sneaks into our houses
Past security measures and mouses
And fingers all of our stuff
Wearing his red suit with cuffs?
Who pilfers our milk and cookies
Acting all weird and spooky
And steals kisses from our mommas
Well it sure ain’t the Dali Lama.
And who is it that parks his sleigh
On our rooftops which could give way
‘Neath the weight of all those reindeer
While he breaks into our house, dear?
He knows about our children’s lives
He even knows all about our wives.
He knows everyone’s secret desires
And has elvish friends who conspire
To what they will bring our youth
Depending on their level of couth.
Are you following my line of reason
As we enter this holiday season?
This man could be a pedophile
Passing out candy with his smiles
So I think this Christmas Eve
I’ll check to see what’s up his sleeve.
With shotgun loaded I’ll sit and wait,
Eating cookies and drinking Jack straight.
When he comes down my chimney’s chute
I’m gonna rumble with the man in the suit.
If he’s really just a good ol’ boy
Then he won’t mind leaving that bag of toys.
