Hairy Times With Hair

Doing my weekend trimming of mustache and beard, I became glaringly aware of a heinous plot of underachieving hairs to overcome the old reliable hairs that have carried the weight of responsibility of covering the ol’ noggin.  I imagine there is quite a conversation going on between them all and that some of this conspiracy has to do with a complacent attitude of the old reliables who have become weary with the times and are quite willing to release their place in the societal follicle and fall to the drain of the shower; totally happy with the knowledge that they gave it a good 47 years.

“Remember the old days when we had to wear the Bryllcream into the battles with the wind and sun?  Now those were the days when real hair stood in the breech and took on all elements.  Forget the hair gels and mousse these kid hairs talk about cause they ain’t nothing compared to a dab of Bryllcream!”  The old hair coughs, shakes, and spits out a wad of dandruff.  His compadre, an equally old hair chimes in with, “Bryllcream nothing!  What about that V-05 hair styling cream we had to deal with during the 70’s?  If you couldn’t wear enough of that to stand a 60 mph windstorm in the Panhandle then you just didn’t bother coming out of the follicle.  Those were the days when hair was hair, I tell ya!”

Unfortunately these old bastions of follicle fierceness are now tired and as they vacate the pate it is the under-achieving hairs sitting on the sidelines that jump into the fray.  You know which hairs I am speaking of, the nose hairs and the ear hairs.  They’ve spent a lifetime on the bench watching the studly head hairs carry the fashion of the day without blanching once from the battle but now that these “studs” are falling, they rush onto the field of play much to the alarm of the head coach, mainly me.

“What the helk are you doing outside of the ear?” I scream at a lobal hair that has graciously taken on the task of hair placement by growing a half an inch over night.

“I want to play coach, play me!”   How do you explain to an ear hair that his job is to sit quietly inside the ear, way down deep and out of sight, and has no place in open society?  I appreciate his enthusiasm but come on, no one wants to sit and stare at an ear hair while you are conducting business.  They steal the show in a bad way… in a “ohmygoodnessdidyouseethesizeofthatearhair” kind of way.

Nose hairs are even worse.  They wait until you are the most stressed and come out in an army as if they are there to protect you by assaulting the masses with a frontal display of follicle unity coming right out of your nose.  There is absolutely no way you will ever get them to understand their job takes place inside the nasal cavity, not on the outside.  I figure to be a nose hair you probably had to score below 400 on the SAT or 10 on the ACT.

Either way the times aren’t getting any easier and my time in the bathroom removing overachieving underachievers just keeps increasing.  Sigh.  I miss the studly hair of yesterday.  Even if it was covered up in Bryllcream.