This second Valentine regurgitation is from the Lighter Side files and probably solicited more comments than most of the articles I wrote… ah, such sweet memories of hate emails… Remember there is a P.S. at the bottom.
Next week is the date that strikes fear in every man’s heart…Valentine’s Day. Don’t ask me why but the majority of the males of our species haven’t got a clue to what a Perfect Valentine Gift (PVG) is. The irony of this situation is that the females of our species know the predicament the males are in. They are compassionate creatures and in the true spirit of romance, demand that the males go find that PVG and are explicit in their description of the enormity of the impact that gift will have upon the relationship. Granted, they will make this demand with their best coquettish smile, but the males aren’t fooled.
So for the next week you will see harried bipeds, the ones with the X chromosome, scurrying around card shops, candy stores, and gift shops trying to find the PVG. At great risk to their egos, they sniff body lotions, bath soaps, and perfumes or simply stare catatonically at jewelry, wondering how something so small could cost so much. They try to remember what the PVG was last year and wonder how close they can come to purchasing a similar item without accusations of being a carrier of the dreaded social disease youobviouslydidnotputanythoughtintoit.
It is my obligation to help out my fellow PVG searchers with a little advice. Buy them chocolate. Expensive chocolate. They can’t be fooled by cheap imitations because they carry the Y chromosome and that allows them to spot cheapskates with an almost supernatural power.
What? Your counterpart is watching her weight and doesn’t want to be tempted by expensive chocolate? Then the next best thing for your wallet is flowers. Expensive flowers. Not the flowers you can pick up at the cemetery when no one is watching, but those high-dollar ones that require you to sign a lien against your car to guarantee payment. Don’t ask me how, but they know where you get them so don’t risk it… just fork out the bucks.
If you happen to be one of those lucky ones whose love has been blessed with allergies to flowers and chocolates, then the final resort is jewelry. It must be diamonds, no zubic cheapconiums stones are allowed. They will take it to be checked and since jewelers are sadistic creatures anyway, they will be more than happy to tell your love exactly what you paid for the PVG.
I think that you get the idea. Until we can find a way to make February 14th disappear, we will be bound to hunt down and procure the Perfect Valentine Gift. Don’t forget the card that must accompany your PVG and remember that Y chromosome requires them to flip the cards over to see what you paid for it. Don’t blow your PVG efforts by cheaping out on the card! Remember the operative word here is “expensive” because youobviouslydidnotputanythoughtintoit is nothing to laugh about! Happy hunting.
(FYI: In a recent study performed by the School of Relational Disorders at Cambridge, it was determined that youobviouslydidnotputanythoughtintoit has obliterated more romantic evenings than any other disorder known to man. If the Y chromosome dominant portion of our species would only accept the fact that fishing tackle is extremely romantic and a lot of thought goes into the acquisition of the perfect bait casting reel then we could make great strides in the elimination of this social disorder.)
Disclaimer: Before all the hate emails come pouring in from the Y chromosome carriers, I have never claimed to be a romantic nor have I ever claimed to have actually acquired a PVG. After 25 something failed hunts, no trophies adorn my wall of fame… and it doesn’t look like that tradition will end this year either.
P.S. I think I finally have found how to acquire the PVG. It happened last year when it occurred to me the key is to have the Perfect Valentine who is more interested in the person and not the gift. My advice this year to my fellow harried bipeds with the X chromosome is to find her; your perfect valentine and the rest of February 14th becomes moot.
