Some rather interesting statistics sent my way today including what countries are the top 10 in number of suicides per 100,000 people per year. I now list them and I think you might see a pattern.

Lithuania – 42 per 100,000
Russia – 37
Belarus – 35
Latvia – 34
Estonia – 33
Hungary – 32
Slovenia – 30
Ukraine – 29
Kazakhstan – 28
Finland – 24

So what do we learn from this? It sucks to live in the old Soviet Bloc and even more so if you live in Finland. If it was a quality of life issue, I would think several other places would’ve ranked, such as Somalia, Ethiopia, Afghanistan, Iraq, etc. until I realized most of their people don’t get a chance to commit suicide unless they are wearing a rather stylish explosive vest that meets the high standards of Muslim terrorists.

I was surprised the United States didn’t make the list since we always have so many people claiming they are going to “off themselves” if their candidate doesn’t win during whatever election is at hand. Hollywood stars have figured it out that you don’t have to kill yourself, you just move away… but they probably have a publicist who directs them along those lines. Anyway, I digress…. the U.S. isn’t on the suicide list but wait, we did make #3 in the top ten countries to consume ice cream, after Australia and New Zealand.

Ah, that must be the correlation – eat more ice cream and people commit less suicide. Probably some secret enzyme in the frozen concoction that keeps us all mellow so we don’t go and ruin a perfectly good vacuum cleaner cord. I wish it was that easy but as I scan the list, guess who is #10? That’s right, them _*^@#$(_@$^)# Finland folks. Totally blows my theory out of the water. Maybe they have really bad ice cream in Finland that is made from a yak’s bladder or something; that would make sense as I am assuming yak bladder enriched ice cream would be a little on the tangy side.

So I looked at one more list that might bring it all into perspective and that is the Top Ten Causes of Death in America. I think we all know that #1 is automobile accidents (43,200) followed by falls (14,900), with poisonings by solids or liquids bringing up third place (8,600). Rounding out the list are; Drownings (4,000), Fires/Burns (3,700), Suffocation (3,000), Firearms (1,500), Poisonings by gases (this would include the morning following “AYCE Bean Burrito Night at the Taco Hut) (700), Medical/Surgeries (500), and last but certainly just as deadly, Machinery (350). What does that list tell us? You are twice as likely to be suffocated as being shot, or three times as likely to drown before being shot, or my favorite, ten times more likely to fall and kill yourself than for someone to come up and shoot you…. I am ready for some falling, suffocation, drowning, and burning laws put into place, Mr. Ted Kennedy, if you please.

Actually I think the last set of statistics tells us that if the folks who weren’t killed in automobile crashes on the way to the ice cream parlor had been eating ice cream, then we most likely could have eliminated a whole lot of falling, burning, poisoning, suffocating, shooting, etc. unnecessary dying.

Hey, as with all statistics, you make ‘em say what you want ‘em to say.

TT for 042408

Thirteen random thoughts while standing in an empty parking lot at 2 a.m. in the morning while waiting for the truck to show up so you can load your trailer up for the big fund raiser on Saturday…

1. Sure is empty.
2. Hmm, wonder if they know it smells like old grease out here.
3. Well the truck is coming from Lubbock so maybe he got caught up in bad weather.
4. I bet we could play frisbee with this pancake I found beside the dumpster.
5. Oops, guess not. Sorry….
6. Eliot Berry! That was that guy’s name from high school, Eliot Berry!
7. Everybody wave to the nice policeman and act inconspicuous.
8. Sheesh, diving into the truck and locking the doors while screaming “hide me, hide me” really doesn’t qualify as “inconspicuous”.
9. I wonder if Lubbock’s 2-3 a.m. slot is the same as ours or do they run 2 hours behind the rest of the state?
10. Yes! The truck is pulling in and he isn’t weaving too much. Must be a sober run.
11. Wait, you kept us waiting from 2-4 a.m. because you wanted to stay late at a rock concert?
12. If I hit the driver in the head with a box of sausages, I wonder if anyone would “link” me to the crime.
13. Look, it is 5:15 and we are done! Now I have time for a short nap, a shower, and then return back at 7 a.m. to unload. I am one lucky devil…

Politicos

Sitting in a forum for the School Board elections, I realized several catch phrases were used over and over…
1. I’m in it for the children.
2. I think we would have to study that first.
3. It’s the State’s lack of funding that is causing all of our problems.
4. Teachers need more pay.
5. We have a great school system.
6. Must keep kids interested to lower the dropout rates.
7. What is money when kids are concerned?

Just once I would like to hear one of the candidates say;

1. I am in it for me cause I think I can fix all the screw ups you’ve guys have done.
2. I’ve already studied the problem and here are our best possible choices to fix it.
3. The State has always funded us at this level, we should learn to operate within those parameters.
4. We have raises in the budget for teachers.
5. We have serious problems in the district, let’s get to work on addressing them.
6. Maybe if we were running the schools properly kids wouldn’t be leaving them so quickly.
7. Our kids are worth every dime we spend on them but we must be accountable and prudent in how we spend the taxpayer’s money.

Maybe the best solution to all of the district’s problems is that we aren’t spending enough money on football…

Weekend Stuff

I had a really good weekend for several reasons; my bride actually were in town without family for the first time since the wedding. We had lunch with a friend, went to a fine lady’s 100th birthday, and ended Saturday at Buffalo Gap enjoying the Erinshire Music Festival. Lunch was great as the Great Zullo, totally lacking in ping pong skills, joined us and I was reminded we just never have enough time to chat with him. He went with us to the birthday party since both Twyla and him had served the lady’s son in a previous occupation. What a kick it was to see this grand lady surrounded by friends and family to mark this great occasion! We didn’t stick around for cake as the music festival was calling.

On our way to the festival we dropped by a friend’s place where he is building a house. I’m impressed at his talent and he has come along way and is now on the setting the walls stage. We looked at his wall jacks, the pillars for the pier and beam construction, and marveled over the solidness of 1 1/8 thick plyboard for flooring. They also showed us pictures of the damage a small tornado had done to many of their trees and to some of his supplies. Best part; we decided to go fishing the following evening! Haven’t been fishing in a while so I was totally pumped!

Sunday brought church, floor grouting and finishing and then a trip to the stream where we caught oodles of catfish and a few perch. We used chartreuse worms that glow (not sure how you do that) but they were cool and effective. The worm guts turned your fingers an interesting shade of green though… hmm, maybe I should’ve put a Geiger counter on them, just to be sure.

Hope everyone had a great weekend. I know I sure did.

The Flushinator

We are one proud people we are cause in our home we now have the Kohler model 3000 Flushinator… in both bathrooms. This bulwark of porcelain proudly sits two inches higher (yeah baby, we’re talking ADA accessible) beaming from its rich history of having been smoothed on the inside and the outside making flushes from the 1.5 gallon tank (that is ridiculously too small) more effective than the old tanks we replaced.

Dances with the plunger are now eliminated because those sacred moments when man becomes one with the throne are now moments of joy knowing everything not only works well, it works exceptionally well.

Kohler you have done me proud
With a toilet that ain’t too loud
Where flushing is now a joy
I’s gots me a Flushinator, boy oh boy.

Okay, it isn’t called a Flushinator, but it should be.

Smiling Idiots

Driving through Dallas on Friday night I had the insane feeling that the driver beside me was a bit masochistic and definitely rife with sadistic tendencies as well. It was one of those times when you tell yourself there is a reason for the 2nd amendment that isn’t mentioned in all of the fancy language… the right to bear arms for the sake of eliminating smiling idiots from the roadways.

Really, we should have that right! I digress…

There I was driving along and minding my own business when we clear a small hill only to find they have blocked off my lane. I have to move right immediately or take out the newly placed barrels in the through traffic lane. I can accelerate just a bit and easily clear the truck that is running behind me or brake and hope I am not rear ended by the guy tailgating me. I chose to accelerate. Mr. Smiling Idiot, who is driving one of those “let’s check the railroad track” trucks accelerates too and starts to drift left, forcing me right into the barrels. I punch it, miss the barrels, clear his front bumper and when I look back into my rear view mirror I can tell he and his partner, Mr. Numbnuts, are laughing hysterically. They then proceed to tailgate me for the next thirty miles.

I think there is a reason for smiling idiots on our highways. They serve a purpose of keeping us on our toes and in some cases, to thin the herd. I just wish they would go and thin elsewhere. I should turn these goardheads in but would it really make a difference? I’m thinking two .40 caliber bullets across the bow might be just as effective. Oh, just chill… I would never do that but it is fun to think about.

Of Broken Hearts and Promises

TT for 04/03/08

Random thoughts percolating through my head.

1. Wonder if we could talk Clinton and Obama into a UFC match and give the nomination to whoever is left standing.   I’d pay to see that fight.
2. I wonder if they have to dip Paris Hilton in bleach every night when she gets home.
3. I wonder if there is enough bleach to disinfect whatever Paris has brought home.
4. So if the government will bail out mortgage companies then why won’t they bail out mortgagors?
5. Why is it March Madness seems so dull whenever the Burnt Orange team is out of it?
6. Having to take a physical before someone sells you life insurance sure sounds like the insurance company is hedging its bets.
7. Twyla and I have started walking and I have to admit I feel better.
8. Sometimes when I see owners walking their dogs in the park I think the leash is on the wrong animal.
9. I am thinking about getting an ear ring.  Okay, I’m not.  Just wanted to give my kids a reason to gasp.
10. I think someone is swiping my newspaper.  Wonder if it is against the law to shoot paper snatchers.
11. Wonder if they ever found remains of squirrels in the La Brea tar pits.  I’m thinking… no.  Little suckers were probably too busy making trouble for everyone else to get stuck in the tar.
12. McDonalds is now selling iced coffee.  It won’t be long and they will have McSteak too.
13. Changed the brake pads on my car.  I sort of miss the squalling sound.

Hope everyone has a happy Thursday!

Leave it to Arkansas

After reading the following article from Yahoo! news, I can only shake my head and think, “Only in Arkansas.”

A law that mistakenly allowed anyone — even toddlers — to marry with parental permission was repealed by a measure signed into law Wednesday by Gov. Mike Beebe, ending months of embarrassment for the state and confusion for county clerks.

Lawmakers didn’t realize until after the end of last year’s regular session that a law they approved, intended to establish 18 as the minimum age for marriage, instead removed the minimum age to marry entirely. An extraneous “not” in the bill allowed anyone who was not pregnant to marry at any age with permission.

The bill read: “In order for a person who is younger than eighteen (18) years of age and who is not pregnant to obtain a marriage license, the person must provide the county clerk with evidence of parental consent to the marriage.”

Proofreading must not be prevalent in Arkansas.

I Want to be an April Fool

I want to be an April Fool

Acting silly and inane

While keeping the essence of being cool

Dispensing trickery bordering arcane.

I want to be an April Fool

And pull the wool over other’s eyes

Utilizing the ultimate tools

Those fiendish political lies.

As your elected April Fool

I will dissolve your earthly fears

Eradicating fiendish financial ghouls

Restoring prosperous years.

I will bring you health care for free

Demanding only the rich shall pay

If you will just elect me, wonderful me

Will make everyday April Fool’s Day.