Thursday 13 for October 30, 2008

13 Great Halloween Costume Ideas (Not all of these are mine…in fact just a couple of them are…)

1. Glue coins onto your shirt and go as “significant change.”
2. Tape a dollar bill to each ear and become a “buccaneer.”
3. Glue a doll to your butt to become a baby sitter.
4. Wear a suit and carry a water bucket and scream, “Bail me out, please!” to become a “bail out banker.”
5. Throw on some white clothes, then cut a yellow circle out of yellow fabric and attach it to your stomach. Add some devil horns and a pitch fork, and voila! You’re a “Deviled Egg.”
6. Wear a baseball cap with a leaf dangling down in front of your face. When you blow on the leaf you become a leaf blower.
7. One of my favorites were two friends dress up like dice who stumbled around with empty whiskey bottles and they were… yes, loaded dice.
8. I once put a noose around my neck and wrote “Chad” on my shirt to become a hanging chad (okay, in the 2000 election this was a riot…)
9. Get an athletic shirt, write “Ceilings!” on it and carry a set of pom poms. Be sure to yell, “Go Ceilings! Ceilings are the best!” Then you are a ceiling fan…
10. Carry a can of peas around and tell everyone excited about how you can’t get enough of these luscious legumes… yes, you would then be a pea-nut.
11. Put on a set of scrubs and walk around with a hot dog in a beer mug so you can be Dr. Frank in Stein.
12. Carry around a garbage bag of toy trailers so you can be trailer trash.
13. This year the ol’ Frustrated is wearing a meat cleaver around his neck with JUNE written on it, a pearl necklace, costume jewelry earrings, a blond wig, and has a small beanie baby beaver dangling from the end of the meat cleaver. Yuppers, I am going as June Cleaver and here’s the Beaver.

Yes, groaners all… but hey, isn’t that what Halloween is all about?

Go Vote

The missus and I hit the early voting booths last night and voted. I like the new electronic method since you can be in and out in a few minutes and they give you a chance to review your choices before submitting. Best of all, no hanging chads. I am sure this is welcome news to the Chads of the world everywhere.

Have you voted yet?

Why not?

Shame…shame…shame…

Well Slap St. Nick and Pass the Egg Nog… I am blank…

My Twyla asked me the other day if I had thought about the Christmas Card Story yet and I was able to smile, nod my head, and say with supreme confidence…” Uh no.”

Quite frankly I am a little dry in the creative department this year so I am opening the floor to suggestions. My criteria are fairly simple. It has to involve Christmas. Preferably there will be a humorous slant to the plot. It helps if the title can be flavored with a clever pun. Oh, not a deal breaker but definitely something to consider, the story has to be a short story that falls within the Neal Hughs Rules of Successful Brevity; the story has to be able to be read in one trip to the bathroom.

There you have it. If you have any ideas, email them to me. My blog email has changed to derrickhallwithcowsandmolly@gmail.com. Also, you can request a card by emailing me your email address or your snail mail address, whichever is your preferred method of delivery.

Grounds in My Coffee

One of the basic pleasures of life is waking up to a morning cup of coffee. The aroma wafting through the chilly morning air, the rise of steam from your mug, the rich taste of roasted coffee beans giving you that kick of caffeine you have grown to crave…

…and then you find grounds in the bottom of your cup as you spit them out of your mouth. Sigh. I guess it is time to look into a new coffee maker. No amount of cleaning, positioning, or cursing seems to correct the problem. Alas fair coffee maker, you have served me well.

Visiting a Small Town Funeral Home

The folks were gathered to pay their last respects for Loreena. Stories were told, old friends were reacquainted, and in the presence of the dead, laughter reigned, memories flourished, and for a few hours a life was honored. Amidst the celebration you could hear the whisperings about the weather, crops, the deer population, hunting conditions, the latest small town gossip, and the football game coming up.

There is a sense of security in the whirling of conversations as you realize the impact of the moment. The past was being honored, the present was being addressed, and the future was still full of hope and fears.

Life goes on.

Loreena Vaughn

One of the people who made an impact on me when my family first moved to small town Texas was Tom Vaughn and then later, his wife Loreena. Tom’s funeral was the first funeral I ever officiated in and on Friday I will officiate Loreena’s. She was 97 years old, full of vim and vigor to the end and truly a woman capable of producing memorable quotes. Some of my favorite quotes were…

“Lyndon Johnson was so crooked we had to screw ‘em into the ground to bury him.”

“That little boy of yours is cute enough to be a girl.” I had to remind her several times that Slvr was a girl but she would just shake her head and tell me, “Girls have hair and that baby is bald.”

“You sure dress your little boy in a lot of pink.” Again… Slvr is a girl…. not a boy….

“Now that is a nice dress you have on and I’m proud it doesn’t bother you that it makes you look fat.” I think that was the last time I ever saw that particular lady wear that particular dress.

“When I die you had better keep the funeral short or I’m going to get up and walk out.” Don’t worry, we will, we will.

“Food around here isn’t bad for a bunch of old people who can’t taste nothing.” For some reason that quote led me to decline her offer to have supper with her at the retirement home.

“There are times when I think God can be damn mean.” At the bedside of her Tom who was dying of cancer and looked so emaciated from the chemo.

“For a preacher with no training you do alright. Maybe we should dumb the rest of ‘em down…” I never knew how to take this (cough, cough) compliment. When I left the ministry I often thought maybe they should’ve dumb me down even more because the real wisdom found in churches is seldom found in the pulpit, but in the congregation among the working folks.

I will miss Loreena, especially her calling ‘em like she saw ‘em attitude. I wouldn’t ever use the word “tact” in the same sentence but I did see a woman who laughed constantly and lived to her standard and in the end, maybe that isn’t such a bad thing.

I Vote for Sarah!

Joe Biden looks kinda mean
As he sneers with his toothy gleam
And Obama is really smooth
But he still needs a little couth.
McCain has me befuddled at times
And I suspect he has his first dime.
So who shines through in this election ailing?
It can be no other than Sarah Palin!
She is a spitting image of Tina Fey
Except she does things the Alaskan way.
Brandishing a rifle, skinning a moose
Sidestepping the craftiest media noose
Ms. Palin makes my voter’s heart jump
Walking to the podium in $1500 pumps.
Smile and wink, point and grin
I’m voting for Sarah to get the win.

Thursday 13 for October 24

Yesterday I participated in a charity style show where you walked down a runway with clothes donated by Dillards as your MC gave out details about the clothes and you. It was fun but I did take time to notate and preserve for you, oh readers of bloggery, the…

Thirteen Important “Must Do” Items When Participating in a Charity Style Show

1. Check your fly. Nobody is interested in seeing the horse come out of the barn, so to speak.
2. Roll your tags under so they can’t be seen by the audience. The last thing you need to hear from the audience is, “It costs how much?”
3. Get to the show early. Being the last guy to dress can be uncomfortable.
4. Smile at audience like you actually enjoy being on display…
5. Be careful of the information you give the MC. You might want to leave out those details that would get people looking at you in a strange way…”Bubba enjoys hunting, sniffing bloated animals, and running naked through the pasture on moonlit nights….”
6. Bring a pair of socks that match the outfit you will be modeling. A pair of white socks typically don’t go with black slacks or a charcoal colored suit.
7. Did I mention to check your fly? Nobody paid to see a puppet show, you know…
8. Be sure you put your sweater on properly. If it is on backwards you not only look stupid you will find your ability to breath is greatly restricted.
9. Ask to wear burnt orange. If they have burnt orange with a set of matching longhorns on the lapels, all the better!
10. If you happen to be a policeman walking down the runway, you might want to make sure your pistol isn’t loaded when you whip it out and playfully pull the trigger at an imaginary bad guy. Although, I do think the 86 year old lady who went into cardiac arrest is going to recover nicely. I’m pretty sure her face will eventually relax and she will gain full function of it again.
11. Check your shoes to make sure you aren’t dragging toilet paper behind you. It sort of kills the moment…
12. Practice your Zoolander look before you attempt it on the runway. If you don’t, the audience is just going to think you are constipated.
13. Oh, please check your fly. Nobody wants to see the little old man leave the cabin.

Another 370 Points… It’s Only Paper

Bail me out, baby! The DOW is only dipping below 10,000 and today, we only lost 370 points so there is hope on the horizon… we bailed our folks, Europe is bailing out their folks, and the Asian markets are going crazy as they start their own downward spiral.

Can you say, “World Wide Depression?”

It might not be a total loss but it does look like the world is getting a reality check and in a global market with our neighborhoods now dictated by My Space and Facebook, it should be interesting on how this financial meltdown is documented on the internet. Will a more educated public handle the crises better than our forefathers did in the 30’s or will panic be the soup dejour?

Plumber, Thy Name Is “Shoddy”

Arm deep in muck, tools, clothing, and skin smelling like the bottom of a cess pool, I came to a realization there are some really bad plumbers in this world who don’t mind charging an arm and a leg for inferior work. Isn’t there some secret code among plumbers or higher creed they must live up to or strive to adhere to that would prevent total sloppiness in their endeavors? If there isn’t, there should be. Hey, I will help you and will keep it as simple as humanly possible for the plumbers who have to move their lips when they read.

1. A leak is a leak until the water, under pressure, stops flowing. If it is still allowing a drop a minute to squeeze through, you my friend still have a leak!

2. Sprinkler valve boxes must be centered over the pipe. Now carefully observe… see the two cute semi-circle cut outs in the center of the ends of the box? Notice how they fit so well and snuggle down on top of the pipe? Oh look, see how we now have access to each valve? Hmm…. you don’t think that might have something to do with the grand design of this freakin’ box, do you? Next time, you come over and bust your knuckles trying to squeeze a wrench into nonexistent spaces.

3. Before you claim you have fixed a non-fixable valve, you should check to be sure there isn’t a cut off valve behind it so you can actually stop the water flow. Oh, here is a simple formula; no water=no ground saturation=no puddles=no mosquitoes=no swearing by a frustrated writer who is out fixing your idiotic mistakes.

4. Don’t assume the customer is brain dead. We actually can perceive there is a leak and a marsh in our backyard, Jethro.

5. Always be willing to refund money for shoddy work or be prepared to have your mailbox stuffed with that black sludge your frustrated customer has just pulled out of the bottom of the sprinkler valve box.

I am through ranting now… and am totally back into control until I carry the trash out tonight and pass the grassless spot where once stood a leaky valve and then, oh heaven help me, then I will probably call down curses from the plumber gods along the line of “may their butt cracks be sunburned so badly that they can’t even show a baby moon without suffering…”