Happy New Year!

On the last day of the most disastrous year of 2008 (at least on the economic front but not in my personal life) I can only wish everyone a better 2009. May this year be an improvement and may this year be full of successes for everyone.

Best Quote From the Lap of the Man in the Red Suit

Every year I am privileged to wear the “red suit” and listen to kids give their requests, give them a candy cane, pose for a picture if one is so desired. I love listening to the kids tell me what it is they want for Christmas. Some have been heartbreaking, but most are just a recitation of a list they have been working on marketing to the folks in the know who must have the ear of the Big Man himself. Last night I did my last one and had two great quotes from children who had to be eight years old or less. The runner up quote came from a young girl who told me she wanted a wiggle toy that you sat on and by moving the handle bars, move the device across the floor. Of course she wanted it in pink but when prompted by her mother told me,

“Santa, if you bring me that then you can give all the rest of my toys to boys and girls who won’t have anything.” Nice… bargaining by appealing to the compassionate side of Santa. Nicely done!

The best quote came from a young boy who sitting on my knee knew he only had a few seconds of Santa’s attention as the line was long. “Santa, I want… I want… oh, just bring it all.” At this I raised my eyebrow and asked, “You want me to bring it all?” He nodded affirmatively, gave me a hug and reiterated, “Just bring it all.”

Now there is a kid destined for greatness!

Thursday 13 for 12/11/08

13 Christmas Songs I Love

1. Colorado Christmas
2. Oh Holy Night
3. Carol of the Bells
4. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas
5. Roll out the Holly
6. Jingle Bell Rock
7. The Peace Carol
8. White Christmas
9. What Child is This?
10. Little Drummer Boy (its the rumpa dum dums that get me)
11. So This is Christmas
12. Silver Bells
13. Winter Wonderland

Christmas Story about finished

Doing the final touches on this year’s Christmas story. I will be taking orders soon to send you a card for free. If you want one, send me a snail mail address to derrickhallwithcowsandmolly@gmail.com. I’ll mail it to you ASAP! Hope all is well in your world!

Twenty Days until the Man in Red Arrives

Santa Claus. We all love the man in red, despite being a corporate coupe by Coca-Cola who not only changed his dress from black and white to red and white, they also added about 100 pounds to the image which is probably what you would get if you drank Coca-Cola at every single house around the world while delivering toys. Not to mention excessive burping and whizzing…

Santa enthralls us and we love to terrify little kids every year by forcing them to sit on the lap of a hairy man wearing an unfashionable suit. Better yet, we want our children to divulge their deepest desires to this man and hope they will look “cute” or “precious” through all of their tears while we get cheap Polaroids of their mental health scarring experience.

Santa… gotta love him!

So here are some of my favorite Santa movies…

Miracle on 34th Street (the original)
Bad Santa
The Santa Claus
Reindeer Games

Thursday 13 – a day late

Thirteen Christmas songs I can’t stand

1. Any of them sung by Liberace’. (I’m sorry, his whiny voice…egad)
2. Good King Wenceslas (I think if we sung about his much more evil sister, Wanda, the carol might be worthy of singing)
3. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen (Yeah, yeah, yeah… go rest someplace else)
4. The Twelve Days of Christmas (After 5 gold rings… it gets tiring)
5. We Three Kings of Orient Are (I do like the NGDB rendition of this as well as the California Raisins… but for the most part I just wish they would go home)
6. Frosty the Snowman (Two words; blow dryer)
7. Santa Baby (I can’t concentrate on this tune with all the heavy breathing that goes along with the lyrics)
8. Christmas is Coming (Stating the obvious is rather droll, don’t you think?)
9. All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth (Can’t stand whiners)
10. Happy Birthday Jesus (For all the historical reasons I don’t like this one and for all the “let me guilt you into not enjoying this holiday” reasons too)
11. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (Hard to sing about a kid who was being disobedient on Christmas Eve. I hope the kid didn’t get anything by underwear and coal)
12. O Tannenbaum (Please, a German song about Christmas trees?)
13. Pretty Paper (Okay, here is a great idea… let’s get a depressing song to sing during the holiday season to ruin everyone’s mood… and hey, let’s make it a country song to insure it adds more misery to the experience…oh, and don’t forget to put a generous helping of obnoxious twang with it as well…)

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…

Ah, the Christmas gift. We dread it, we want it, we tentatively give it… and we wonder why a holiday that is supposedly religious brings so much angst with it? Maybe if we think about the gifts we have received in the past we quickly understand the angst; our gift, received or given, is the barometer on which we find the weather condition of our relationship with the giver or the receiver. Let me give you a couple of examples!

The fruitcake; who really likes fruitcake? We don’t know what those UFOs (Unidentified Fruity Objects) really are and we suspicion they may be left over chunks from a long lost and forgotten jell-o mold leftover from some Lutheran dinner on the ground event last June. What does this gift say about the weather condition of your relationship? Foggy with a chance of sleet and ice.

A license plate; yup, I really did get one and it was a serious present! I think that pretty well said the weather conditions of our relationship were stormy, with dangerous tornadoes lurking about.

Perfume; depending on the make or quantity, this gift could say that the weather conditions were fair, with a chance of warm sunshine or it could mean conditions are hazy, with limited visibility.

A pistol; this present says it all – the weather condition is blue skies above you, a light wind to keep you perfectly comfortable in a paradisaical element. If you are wondering what to get that special person in your life, think Smith & Wesson!

The gift certificate; this gift could mean the weather conditions of the relationship are uncertain… is there a slight hint of turbulence in the air which is why the gift card so the giver has options to handle an unknown possibility or is it the conditions are favorable because the giver understands the fickleness of the receiver and appreciates the honor being given to them by letting them choose the weather for the day? I think this forecast depends totally on whether or not you feel there is a connection between you and the other person or whether this is an obligatory gift that they just happened to make good on.

See? Gift giving is like predicting the weather. You have no idea how it is going to turn out but you want to guess at it anyway. Despite the uncertainty, you still find yourself standing outside in the turbulent gift giving air, just hoping you don’t get wet.

Christmas Blog, T-minus 24 days and counting

On the crisp morning of December 2nd, I am thinking about all of the great Christmas songs I am looking forward to hearing this season. My favorite all time song is “Oh Holy Night” followed by “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” which both have such a great kindred spirit betwixt them (wow, I got to use the word “betwixt”). Toss in all the NGDB Christmas songs and the songs from John Denver and the Muppets, you can have a pretty good selection. Of course, the Trans Siberian Orchestra is the best of all with their fantastic renditions of old favorites and their own contributions as well.

I am thinking we need more Christmas songs and being totally in the spirit of the season, I thought I would offer up some titles, maybe a few starter lines and let the more creative folks provide the finished lyrics. So here we go…

“Congress the Bailout Game Dear” sung by the Detroit Big 3
You’ve heard of Chase, AIG, Freddie and Fannie
Coming to call on the government Santy
But do you recall? The greatest bailout of all?

“Stop Hugging My Christmas Tree Al Gore” sung by Californian Christmas Tree Farmers
It’s Christmas again and the trees are ready
Folks are coming, business is steady.
Some like the firs, others like the spruce
Some pay a hundred, others pay a deuce.
The trees are more than a pretty scene
They are my money making machine
So please Al Gore, stop hugging the green
And making those gestures that are quite obscene.

“Isn’t Rudolph Tasty?” sung by deer hunters everywhere
I likes my pumpkin pie with cream
And my taters covered in marshmellian goo
But the one dish that makes us all scream
Is a bowl of reindeer stew.
Isn’t Rudolph tasty? Doesn’t he hit the spot?
With cornbread buttered and coffee hot
Isn’t Rudolph tasty?

“Please Santa, Don’t Eat the Cookies” sung by Richard Simmons
Please Santa don’t eat the cookies
Cause you’re way past obese, you’re fat
Wouldn’t you like a little Richard nookie?
Instead of eating all of that? (okay, this one could go downhill fast…)

“Mooses, Not Gooses, For Christmas Dinner” sung by Sarah Palin
This holiday as we gather to eat
And share together our traditional treats
I say we think outside of the box
And forego our traditional lot…
Let’s eat mooses, not gooses for Christmas dinner
Mooses are tastier, and help you get thinner
Gooses are greasy, and really aren’t winners
So eat mooses, not gooses, for Christmas dinner.

“Who Left All This Reindeer Crap on my Roof?” sung by Walter
I heard a noise, it was quite a clatter
So I went on up to see what’s the matter
What I found, I can scarcely tell it
But my roof was covered in reindeer pellets.
Hey, who left all this reindeer crap?
Sitting on my roof, across the shingle cap?
This is supposed to be a holiday vacation
But here I am, cleaning up your defecation!

I’m sure you all can come up with some new tunes too. Merry Christmas, 24 days out.

Wheezer/Geezer Game 2008

The air was brisk, almost chilly as the armies of cousins, uncles, nieces, and nephews assembled on the field to do battle. The Wheezers stared with a determined look at the battle scarred champions of old, the Geezers. Huddling up, each team began to plan its assault.

Okay, it wasn’t that dramatic but the game was a blast! This year we ended in a tie with one really good hit delivered by the ol’ Frustrated onto a Wheezer… okay, before the rumors flit around the whole world wide web, let it be known that I was going for the ball. The ball was right there… ready for me to pick it off… and my niece… who just happens to be a nursing mother… tried to beat me to it. I can’t speak for the collision but I can say that I walk, listing a little to the left. Unfortunately I didn’t intercept the ball but I did break up the pass. I think she will be able to walk by next week. Ha! She is much tougher than that! Wednesday at the latest… Besides… she knew when she walked onto the field what she was getting herself into! Oh, btw, she did score later on in the game with a bit of nifty running. I would like to think I taught her those moves! Okay, I didn’t, but I would like to think that!

Anyhoo… the game was great, the players fun, and best of all, we all left friends, laughing, and pumped up for next year’s game.

25 Days of Blogging

If American Family Channel can give us 25 days of Christmas movies, I think I should be able to give everyone 25 days of Christmas blogging. The blogs will be about Christmas, but totally random. So with that in mind…

Day 1 – 10 Items You Won’t Find Discounted at a Black Friday Sale…

1. A ton of manure for your yard.
2. Toilet paper.
3. Milk.
4. Preparation H.
5. Herbal enemas.
6. Fungicide creams for athletes foot.
7. Do It Yourself root canal kits.
8. Snot suckers (those bulb thingies you use to suck the snot out of babies).
9. Burial plot plans.
10. Pickled pigs feet.